Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Squeeze! IPEX!

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Middle Age! In some ways, so nice. You're wiser, more relaxed, you finally have a sense of humor about your own idiocy. Yet, in some ways, Middle Age is so cruel. You feel so young and alive... yet you are starting to look like those women who used to mortify your twenty and thirty-something sensibilities. ("Look at that out-of-style thing she is wearing! Doesn't she CARE? Geez, I hope MY skin never looks like that! PLEASE God don't ever let my legs get that kind of wall to wall celulite!) Even parts you never thought would age get older too!

SQUEEZE! (rated R for gynocological content)

So, I finally dragged my "down below" - as my mother would call it- to a Bloomington gynocologist for my overdue annual exam. The doctor was recommended by a reliable Bloomington friend, a conservative person...a doctor's wife and a nurse herself.

After performing the routine, perfunctory exam, the doc asked me if I had any problems or concerns. I casually expressed my annoyance at being reminded that I had a baby "late in life" every time I sneezed or laughed. (And jumping rope? Forget about that!)

The doc advised that I should be doing Kegel's exercises and I said, "I know, I know...but I never do them. I never think of it." (At that point I was sitting up on the table with that rediculous paper thingy around me.) He said "Here, lie back down." He put up his two fingers in the patented gynocologist-ready-position and inserted them into my vagina. "Okay," he said, "now do a Kegel's exercise." (WHAT!??) After a moment of shock at this unconventional approach, I immediately became my competitive, show-offy self. I was going to do the best Kegels EVER! And, I was going to make it look like I wasn't even trying. I squeezed hard, making sure that my face didn't register the grimace commensurate with my effort. (Thank GOD sweat didn't bead on my forehead!) The doc said, "That was a very good Kegel's. Do them three times a day, about twenty repitions each time. When you come back next year, you'll be much stronger and the sneezing/coughing problem should decrease."

As I was leaving the office I thought, "Wow! My very own vagina coach!" I couldn't wait to go home and tell Chris. In Conn. I had my very own therapist and my very own personal trainer, but a vagina coach? Who knew? What will they think of next?

IPEX...The most technologically advanced bra EVER!

Later in the same week that I got my first vaginal coaching, I went to Victoria's Secret. I figured I needed a new look on top to go with my new improved "down below". Chris vetoed surgery, so I thought this would be the next best thing. I had read about the IPEX bra, and was intrigued by its advanced technology.

I walked into the store and was greeted by a young enthusiastic saleslady who asked me what she could help me find.

"Perky Breasts", I promptly replied. She laughed. I guess she didn't realize that I was serious.

"I heard about this new IPEX bra. What is so great about it?", I asked.

"Well, let me show you," She said as she walked me over to the IPEX display.

It looked like a normal bra. A very nice normal Victoria's Secret bra, yes, but a normal bra, all the same. I spied the price tag.

"Forty-seven bucks? What makes this bra worth forty-seven bucks? The "Very -Sexy" model over there is only thirty-eight dollars and it looks just about the same."

"I know," said the saleslady, " It is expensive, but they are SO great! I have one and it is SO comfortable."

"And?", I asked. "Isn't the Very-Sexy bra comfortable? Won't that work just as well? After all, it implies that it will make my breasts appear to be very sexy, right? And, that is what I am looking for, after all."

"The "Very-Sexy" is a great bra, but the IPEX has seven layers of an advanced micro-fiber", the saleslady proudly declared. She stroked the bra cup surface and held it out to me. "See how soft this is? The seven layers come together in the center of the cup causing it to be thicker there, where you need coverage the most!" She looked at me triumphantly and expectantly.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Twenty-five. Why?"

"Well, at twenty-five you might not know that at forty-three, one might most need coverage not at the center of the cup, but perhaps two inches lower."

The saleslady looked a little puzzled but not daunted. "You should try one on. I just LOVE mine."

"Look," I said. "I am sure that the IPEX is a wonderful bra but frankly, I don't think that my breasts are IPEX worthy. How about showing me the Very-Sexy model instead?"

"Okay. The Very-Sexy is a great bra, too. Did you want to try the full coverage, the demi or the uplift?"

Geez, I thought. This is my last trip to Victoria's Secret for bras. Too many choices.

"Oh, give me one of each. Why not live it up?"

1 comment:

crescent said...

thanks for sharing your writing with me this morning at the wwf(a)c gathering. left me wanting more... so here i am to dip in further.