Monday, September 26, 2005

Jack is Five! I'm in Love Again!

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Today is Jack's fifth birthday. This the first birthday that has completely excited him. I guess being five is a big deal. It seems like yesterday that he was born and it seems like a million years ago. Time is a strange agent, isn't it? For Jack, five must seem like a long time. A whole lifetime, actually. For only five, he is self styled expert on most topics. Even if he can't do something himself, he won't hesitate to tell someone else how to do it. Can't imagine where he gets that from.

I tuned 43 last week. My birthday was a wonderful day for no specific reason. I just decided to enjoy a day off from hassling myself and feeling stressed out. It worked great and now I am considering implementing the concept full time. Life is short. Why not enjoy it? I am finally getting over the belief that someone is watching and grading me for everything I do.

I have to say that over the past few weeks, there has been a real shift in my Bloomington life. Remember when I compared the move to Bloomington to a love relationship? At that point, I was in the post-infatuation stage, where it could go either way. Well, I am happy to say that it seems to be going the Bloomington way. I have fallen in love with this place all over again. It is an incredible place to live and the livin' is so incredibly easy here. If we were to leave, I would miss so many things about this town. The highly accessable amenities, the relaxed pace, the IU outdoor pool, IU basketball, opera, music, plays, the town's endless supply of cultural offerings. And more and more, I feel connected on a human level with lots of different kinds of people. My friendships are deepening and I am starting to feel that I might have a place here. Wow. I don't mind that there is no upscale shopping here. In fact, this aspect of the place has become one of Bloomington's advantages. The old pressure to keep up fades a little more every day. Ah.

This past weekend we went to the annual Lotus World Music Festival. There are many performers from all over the world, ranging from Afro-Niger-Pop to Soulful Portugese Fado to American Old Time to Virtuoso Ukelele. You get a pass and wander from venue to venue and enjoy as many performances as your time allows. It is a world class event five minutes from our house. The streets downtown have a carnival air to them. The atmosphere is festive and everyone you meet is relaxed and happy.

This year, one of the more notable acts we saw was Badi Assad, a Brazillian woman who Guitar Magazine says is one of the most innovative players in the world. She was amazing in the true sense of the word. First of all, she is a technically gifted player and has a beautiful voice to boot. But, most amazing, and almost comical, is that she can make percussive sounds and simultaneously sing. She even played the mouth harp, sang and made clicking noises all at once and it actually sounded good. Imagine a woman who looks like Sonia Braga and is a musical cross between Maria Muldoor, Ani DiFranco, Bobby McFerrin and Edith Piaf. Unusual and really cool.

Well, that's all for my update blog for now. The Bob Dylan special is on and it is a callin' me.

Should I Take This Class?

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My New Bike!

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Isn't it lovely? This is a picture of the bike I ordered for my husband to give to me for my birthday. The only difference is that mine will be a much cooler shade of blue. I can't wait until it comes in.

I have just written and deleted five paragraphs in this very space. They were all boring regurgitations of my day. Believe me, you aren't missing anything. The highlights were my writing group (wonderful) and a playdate that Jack had here with another kid from his class (horrifying). I love my kid, truly I do. But he can be such a little brat to other kids. (I originally used "asshole" but it isn't very nice for a mom to call her five year old an asshole and I do want to be a nice mom, honest ) It is going to take some work to straighten Jack's little hiney out. If we had had another kid for him to grow up with, he might know how to get along with other kids better. Or, he would just be honing his set of Jerk skills beating the crap out of his little brother/sister. Who knows.

I am off to watch some mindless TV. I feel like writing more but I can't think of anything entertaining or worthwhile to say.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Uranus (Rated R for Uranus content)

Pink Cheeks
Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Today, I was in my car listening to WFIU (public radio from IU). "A Moment of Science" came on. It is a daily show. Today's topic was the Harvest Moon and it included a discussion of how one can theoretically see Uranus in the early evening sky. Or something like that.

Well, I don't know how you pronounce Uranus, but I have always pronounced it how I learned it at L.W. Bills Elementary School: "yerANUS". I agree, it isn't a pretty sounding planet. It is a downright unfortunate name for a planet. But, it has, as far as I know, always been called "yerANUS". Kids just love to joke about it and adults try never to have to say the word in serious company, right?

Probably under pressure from the politically correct movement, those days may be over. Or maybe they were over a couple of years ago and I never knew. Today's "Moment of Science" episode enlightened me.

On today's program, the reporter pronounced Uranus "URINE-us". Hmm. "URINE-us". Is this really a better pronunciation than yerANUS? It just sounds to me like the poor speaker of the word simply doesn't want to say ANUS so he says URINE instead. Because, sadly, with that word, they are the only two choices. What a shame. To talk about the seventh planet from the sun one must say ANUS or URINE. C'mon people. Let's just give up the word entirely and rename the planet. Or suck it up and stick with ANUS.

Speaking of yerANUS, I was shocked to learn this week that people are lining up to undergo a new cosmetic treatment on the good old anus. Now, some of my hipper readers, or those more preoccupied with sexual variation (and you know who you are) might know about this new practice. The rest of you, like me, might be shocked.

People are having their anuses BLEACHED! No kidding. Bleached. The Pink Cheeks Salon in California is the "IT" place to have this done. Not only do porn stars have this done, but regular normal folks like you and me have it done! I heard about this new treatment from one of my friends who saw it on Dr. 90210. In the spirit of research, I searched Google and found a few articles on the subject. I am sort of stunned at this practice. Isn’t it is bad enough that we have become slaves to genital hair removal? And now we have to think about bleaching the old winkie? What will be next? I can't even think! Wait...yes I can. In one of the articles, genital plastic surgery was discussed. Women get their labia altered to resemble the labial ideal.

Just think, all these years, I didn’t even know enough to worry about the color of my anus or the shape and size of my labia! But, you can be sure that I got worried as soon as I started reading about this stuff. In fact, when I got out of the shower today, I decided I had better take a look at my anus and see if I should get it bleached. Well, what can I say other than I won't be doing that again. I didn’t bother to study my labia. I couldn’t take the additional trauma. Good thing Chris is over fifty and can’t see anything closer than three feet without his reading glasses.

For anyone out there who wants more information on anal bleaching, check out the article on the topic on This is a site that came up when I was doing the Google search for Anal Bleaching. It is a pretty funny site.

So in closing, I will just say that this new information simply confirmed what I thought was true. We are certainly going the way of Rome.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Yawn...A Boring Blog Update

I am writing this blog from the IU Tennis Center where Jack takes lessons a couple of times a week. The poor kid has to keep bending down to scratch his legs because he has multiple bug bites. I am starting to think that we have fleas in the house and I have no idea what to do about it. It is a totally gross concept to me. The strange thing is that I never get bites but Chris and Jack both have them. I guess they just taste better than I do. Fine with me. Do I have to have the whole house bombed with flea poison if we have them? Do I get to give Zoe away, finally? Pet owners, please enter your comments and suggestions below. Just click on the comment thingy.

Today the sky is forboding. Thunderstorms will surely arrive this afternoon. I hope they hold off until 2:00 so the outdoor pool can remain open for swimming. The IU lap pool has post -labor day swim every day from noon until 1:30. It is packed with real swimmers (women with no back fat popping out of their Speedos and men who, well, men who actually wear Speedos.) I am determined not to be intimidated and so far, I have been okay with this crowd. There are several people who are slower than I am and they make me feel a little better about my slow pace. So what if they are all over sixty.

I haven’t done a newsy blog in awhile. It might be dull to those relatively new readers who have tuned in after hearing about the spicy content in this blog...IPEX bras, vagina coaches, waxing the “down below”... Sorry if this one disappoints.

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth about whether to remain in Bloomington, we have come to the conclusion that we just don’t have it in us right now to consider a move. We moved to Bloomington less than two years ago, moved into what is now our home only one year ago, went through the ordeal of Chris’s open heart surgery and then had to deal with Megan getting pregnant and then married. It is too much to think about making any more changes at this time. Plus, the fact is, we love this town. It has been awhile since I sang its praises, but they continue to be numerous.

Wow. Lesson is over. More later...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Sex Appeal...?

Brownie Love
Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Today I phoned our cabinet builder to follow up on a piece of furniture he is making for us. He is sort of the "it" cabinet maker in this town but he has a reputation for being chronically very late on delivering the finished product. Many people here were shocked last year when I got my kitchen cabinets designed, built and installed in what I now know to be record time for this guy. Some have asked how I did it. For shock value, I am always tempted to say, with a completely straight face, that I performed oral sex in exchange for an expedited delivery. I never say this. For one thing, It isn't true (the cabinet maker is a church-going man and would never agree to such a deal) and for another thing, I suspect that some folks here might find such a response just plain vulgar rather than funny. The real truth is that I baked brownies for him all the time AND he happened to have a very rare break in his normally packed schedule.

So, back to my phone call with the cabinet guy today. After we discuss the business at hand, he says to me, "It's strange, Joni, but I had a dream about you the other night."

My first reaction is surprise, quickly followed by curiosity, quickly followed by a twinge of excitement.

"Wow!", I think, " Someone is actually dreaming about ME! Yes, indeedy! I've still got it baby!"

It is beside the point, of course, that I am not interested in this man. It is all about the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I might be attractive to a man other than my husband even though I am a forty-three year-old. stay-at-home mom who wears birkenstock sandals, khaki shorts I found in the parking lot of the IU pool (they fit great and they even had five bucks in the pocket!) and until last week was having her hair cut at the barber shop. (more on the shorts and haircut another blog.)

"You had a dream about me?" I asked, hoping that he wouldn't go into any embarassing details other than to awkwardly say something sort of innocent expressing what a babe he thought I was. Yep, this was going to make my day.

"Yeah. It was really strange. We were supposed to meet and you were supposed to bring me brownies. You didn't bring them and I kept wondering where the brownies were."

I could hear the Goddess of Middle Age laughing at me somewhere up in the heavens. I joined her. After all, there is nothing more attractive than a sense of humor...

Cardioversion Success

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Chris was cardioverted yesterday morning. I wasn't in the room, so I don't know if they really yell "CLEAR!" like they do on TV Medical Dramas. The good news is that it only took one shock and he went right into a normal rhythm after four weeks of atrial flutter. We hope that it will hold. If not, Chris will have to have another procedure to cauterize the pesky parts of the heart that are causing the problem. We might try to find a more modern surgery suite if he has to have that done. I mean, look at the photo of the doctors here prepping Chris for the procedure on Monday... .