Friday, September 16, 2005
Uranus (Rated R for Uranus content)
Well, I don't know how you pronounce Uranus, but I have always pronounced it how I learned it at L.W. Bills Elementary School: "yerANUS". I agree, it isn't a pretty sounding planet. It is a downright unfortunate name for a planet. But, it has, as far as I know, always been called "yerANUS". Kids just love to joke about it and adults try never to have to say the word in serious company, right?
Probably under pressure from the politically correct movement, those days may be over. Or maybe they were over a couple of years ago and I never knew. Today's "Moment of Science" episode enlightened me.
On today's program, the reporter pronounced Uranus "URINE-us". Hmm. "URINE-us". Is this really a better pronunciation than yerANUS? It just sounds to me like the poor speaker of the word simply doesn't want to say ANUS so he says URINE instead. Because, sadly, with that word, they are the only two choices. What a shame. To talk about the seventh planet from the sun one must say ANUS or URINE. C'mon people. Let's just give up the word entirely and rename the planet. Or suck it up and stick with ANUS.
Speaking of yerANUS, I was shocked to learn this week that people are lining up to undergo a new cosmetic treatment on the good old anus. Now, some of my hipper readers, or those more preoccupied with sexual variation (and you know who you are) might know about this new practice. The rest of you, like me, might be shocked.
People are having their anuses BLEACHED! No kidding. Bleached. The Pink Cheeks Salon in California is the "IT" place to have this done. Not only do porn stars have this done, but regular normal folks like you and me have it done! I heard about this new treatment from one of my friends who saw it on Dr. 90210. In the spirit of research, I searched Google and found a few articles on the subject. I am sort of stunned at this practice. Isn’t it is bad enough that we have become slaves to genital hair removal? And now we have to think about bleaching the old winkie? What will be next? I can't even think! Wait...yes I can. In one of the articles, genital plastic surgery was discussed. Women get their labia altered to resemble the labial ideal.
Just think, all these years, I didn’t even know enough to worry about the color of my anus or the shape and size of my labia! But, you can be sure that I got worried as soon as I started reading about this stuff. In fact, when I got out of the shower today, I decided I had better take a look at my anus and see if I should get it bleached. Well, what can I say other than I won't be doing that again. I didn’t bother to study my labia. I couldn’t take the additional trauma. Good thing Chris is over fifty and can’t see anything closer than three feet without his reading glasses.
For anyone out there who wants more information on anal bleaching, check out the article on the topic on www.crappersquarterly.com. This is a site that came up when I was doing the Google search for Anal Bleaching. It is a pretty funny site.
So in closing, I will just say that this new information simply confirmed what I thought was true. We are certainly going the way of Rome.