Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Final Frontier? Geez, I hope so. (Rated R)

While recently researching the latest salon & spa offering - anal bleaching- I was startled to discover there are women taking an even more permanent plunge into beautification of the “down below”: Labiaplasty, a.k.a. plastic surgery of the labia. Ever since I found out about this, I’ve been fascinated.

I know plastic surgery is nothing new. Though I disdain it often, I do understand why people go in for a little nip and tuck. While I hope I maintain my position to never, ever have elective plastic surgery, I must admit that occasionally, I hear the siren call of the knife. I have seen some very good face-lifts and boob-jobs and I think to myself, well, if I could get a surgeon that good, I might consider it. I’m not proud of it, but occasionally, I stand in front of the mirror and stretch my face this way and that or pull up my boobs to approximate a surgical lift. Sometimes, I pull the fat on my thighs back to see what liposuction might do. I do the same with my upper arms to see what they would look like if the lunch-lady fat were vacuumed out.

But, for all the thinking I’ve done about various plastic surgeries, a genital remodel has never crossed my mind. Have I been remiss? Do these newly labially-beautiful women know something that I don’t? Should I have been scrutinizing my hoo-hah over the years to determine its aesthetic appeal? Might I have an unattractive one and not even know it?

Faced with these now urgent questions, I turned to Google. I entered “Female Genital Plastic Surgery”. A great many web sites popped up.

After a quick browse, I determined that most of the web sites were real surgical centers offering solutions for genuine physical deformities. The before and after pictures were proof of the legitimacy of this type of surgery. If I were a “before”, I’d beat a fast path to one of those surgeons. But, since I was pretty sure that I wasn’t a “before”, I endeavored to find sites offering truly cosmetic solutions.

And, find them I did, under the umbrella of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute, a sort of chain of surgical centers whose mission is to “empower women with knowledge, choice and alternatives.” Who knew that this lofty goal was directly related to the real estate between a women’s legs?

The Flagship LVRI is in Los Angeles and is run by its founder, Dr. David Matlock. He has pioneered a set of pussy-perk-up procedures and is training doctors across the country (and the world!) to perform them. LVRI’s have opened up in such tony places as Greenwich, CT, Alpharetta, GA, Southfield, MI, and my favorite, San Antonio, TX. It’s my favorite because it surfaces from a Google Search as “Texas Labiaplasty”. Did Texan women need an adjustment to accommodate a ten-gallon something or other? I couldn’t wait to find out.

The “Institutes” all offer the same set of services; Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation (R), a one-hour surgical procedure designed to enhance sexual gratification and “Designer Laser Vaginoplasty (R), a set of procedures done to enhance the “aesthetic of the vulvar structures, labia minora, labia majora, mons pubis, perineum, introitus and hymen.” Yeah, I don’t know what an introitus is either and strangely, the web site never explains it. Maybe after you are a regular there you can order it off the menu, like you do at your favorite restaurant.

Here’s my overview of surgical options for your underview.

Let’s start with Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation (R) or LVR. This handy one-hour outpatient procedure can make that birth canal where you passed your ten-pound kid as tight as a drum again. Or, even if you have never had a baby, you might get this done so that you don’t have to dump that great guy with the extremely small penis after all. It will comfort you to know that the pioneering doc who came up with this wasn’t operating in the dark. He knew that women wanted LVR based on market research:

Touts the LVRI web sites: “In one of our patient surveys, women were asked; do women want to be loose or relaxed or do women want to be tight? Women answered 100% - women want to be tight. LVR can accomplish what ever you desire.”

What ever I desire? Just by getting a little vagina lift? Wow. Sign me up.

Next up, is Designer Laser Vaginoplasty(R) or DLV. The caring docs who perform DLV have the “experience and techniques [that] provide the ability to design most anything that one can desire.” Maybe I am not getting something here, but how many different designs could there be for the female genitalia? Isn’t there a sort of standard layout? Don't men have enough trouble finding things already? Why would you want to change it all around?

Anyway, the entire catalog of DLV procedures is described on the various Institutes’ web sites. The dizzying array of things one might have done made my head spin. If you want the full monty, so to speak, you can visit www.drmatlock.com for a complete description of everything they do. To spare my readers the vertigo I got while sorting through it all, here’s my own summary of what DLV is about.

Are your labia not as pretty as you think they ought to be? With DLV, you can plump ‘em up (with your own fat!), slim ‘em down, make them more even, or just perk ‘em up. You can even have those pesky hyper pigmented ends removed so that you have a more uniform color! These “beautiful and natural enhancements” will provide that “youthful, aesthetic look and feel”.

Don’t like your vulva? Fatty irregularities keeping you from getting a date? Get it sculpted to meet your specifications. Or someone else’s specifications if you have no idea what it is supposed to look like.

Wish you were a virgin again? Or perhaps for cultural reasons you have to hang out the sheet after the wedding night? Order up a Hymenoplasty, or reconstruction of the hymen. In this procedure, the hymen is repaired “as if nothing ever occurred”.

And, last but not least, you can have a G-Spot Amplification. For about $2,000, the doctor will locate your G-spot and inject the “G-Shot(TM), a shot of collagen which puffs up the G-spot. This “amplification” lasts for about four months. The testimonials make me wonder how these women get anything done:

“Thanks to the G-SHOT™ , I am always turned on.”

“My G-Spot is always present and ready for action at a moments notice”

“Even during my spinning class I can feel the bike seat pressing on it-and I have to pretend I’m just enjoying the workout”

I forgot to mention that you can have lots of different things done at once. You can combine the interior tightening with an exterior remodel AND get a boob job or nose job or tummy tuck AT THE SAME TIME. Neato, eh? And, if money is an issue, these thoughtful docs will provide a financing program. A sort of Lay-a-way plan so that you can plan to get laid with more confidence.

I hope you enjoyed this overview of surgery for the female underview. I certainly enjoyed learning about it. I don't know what could possibly be next after this, but rest assured that if there is something, you will read about it here.

1 comment:

Princess said...

OMG!! I have been laughing nearly through this entire post. I don't think you MEANT it to be amusing, but I couldn't help myself. Are people really that paranoid about their bodies that we have converged to plastic surgery for our putty-tats? ::sigh:: See I could think of lots of things, I wouldn't mind slimming, tucking, perking, adjusting, all over the place, but have you ever WATCHED one of those plastic surgery shows? I just cringe and grit my teeth the entire time I can manage to even look at the screen! E GADS that's gotta hurt!! My 'clients' all seem very happy with the way I am, so I'll be happy about me too. :)