Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A New Year's Idea

Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Do you know what I dislike most about the beginning of each new year? It is how $%#$!-ing crowded it gets at the gym. The previously spacious parking lot gets full, the locker room is crowded and every machine that I want to use is occupied by people I have never seen before. These new faces belong to the hundreds of people who for about eleven months out of the year wouldn't even drive near the gym even if someone were chasing them with a gun. And here they are, taking up valuable space better used and certainly more deserved by those of us who go all year round. I just want to go up to each of them and say, "Face it pal. 95% of all new year's resolutions are not successful so you might as well go home right now. Don't waste your time every January pretending that this will be the year when you get into shape. Because it won't be. And chances are that you are going to get injured here because you are in such sorry shape to begin with. So quit now while you are ahead, okay?"

But alas, one cannot say such things. So, the faithful gym goers are left to wait it out until the end of January when things start to thin out to normal. By Valentines Day, just about every one of these January Warriors will be nowhere to be found, back to their old ways, sitting in front of the TV with the remote and beer and a bowl of Cheetos. (Don't get me wrong, I certainly have nothing against beer and cheetos...) But you get the picture.

Even though I am an elitist who pretends to pretend otherwise, I don't really wish any of these people ill. I do, in my tiny heart of hearts, wish them well. But I just don't want them at my gym, screwing up my normal routine. So, I propose a solution would keep everyone happy and solve the January gym explosion to boot. Here it is:

You know those temporary stores that spring up in malls during the Christmas shopping season? The ones that sell, say, only games or only calendars, or (in our case) just Indiana University stuff? When you see them, you can't remember what used to be there and after they are gone, right after Christmas, you can't remember where they were and what stores took their places. Anyway, why not put temporary gyms into these retail spaces for the hopeful hopeless mass of folks who resolve to finally get in shape this year. The owners could charge by the week for membership or they could take advantage of the New Year Delusional and charge for a couple months. The place could be furnished with a few treadmills, some stationary bikes and two or three Nautilus Ab machines with very low tension settings. These machines could be rented for the two months that it would take to weed these folks out. In the event that someone was still working out at the end of, say, February, that lucky and deserving person would earn the right to purchase a membership at the regular all year gym.

If nobody takes up this idea, perhaps I will open a few of these temporary work out centers. I might need something to do when Jack goes to school full time next year...this might be just the thing. Who knows?

Seriously, I do realize that this hoard of January people actually keep the costs down at my gym by purchasing memberships, which, after January, don't get used. But still, it is incredibly annoying.

Of course, I know that I have not offended any of my loyal readers. Even if you are among the January warriors at your local gym, you and I both know that you will be in the 5% who succeeds at keeping a New Year's Resolution.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Today at the gym I looked to see what the loud slamming of weights was all about. A man whom I had never seen at the gym before was using an abdominal machine with too much weight. I couldn't help but also notice his large belly - and the fact that he wasn't aware of all the noise he was making.