Today for some reason (I know the reason, but it isn't even worth going into here) I all of the sudden realized how worth less I feel. Not worthless. Just worth less than I used to be. In the earning potential and professional achievement potential that is. Like my best days in those departments are over. And if that isn't defeatist enough thinking, I have to start picking apart my former career and decide that I never accomplished anything anyway and I that I have never worked up to my potential. And then, of course, I have to remind myself that I have an overblown sense of my potential...etc...etc... You get the picture. So, after I delve into these lovely thoughts for about five premenstral minutes, I am sobbing away like an idiot. Then, I realize that I am going to be late for my piano lesson. I look in the mirror at my red eyes and nose and decide that I can do nothing about the eyes. But, I can put some make up on the nose. I choose this crappy Burt's Bees tinted moisturizer that I bought so that I could avoid paying forty bucks for my favorite Laura Mercier brand that just ran out which I ended up paying forty bucks for anyway because the Bert's Bees is so junky. It goes on sort of like streaky zinc oxide. Not an attractive look. But in my Rudolph moment, I reached for the Burt's because it very light colored and I figured it would act as a concealer for my "very shiny nose". I slopped it on in a hurry and dashed out the door. I looked in the rearview mirror at at stoplight and saw that I had these light, almost white rings around both nostrils where I hadn't rubbed the crappy Burt's Bees junky stuff in. I looked like a coked out middle-aged mom with my swollen red eyes and my still red bozo nose with the white crust. Nice picture. What would Doctor Spoil Sport say?
Now, to be serious, I don't really feel all that awful about myself. It could be a LOT worse, I know. Whether I ever have a career again does not matter at all. I am just trying to decide what it is I want to do besides being a wife and mother. Don't get me wrong, I do love being a wife and mother. But as Jack gets older and I have more time on my hands, I think that I should be doing something else too. I would love to pretend that I will be a real writer and get published and paid for my work but the fact is that there are so many writers out there who are really good. It is like thinking that I can be an actress or something. I also toy with starting a bakery but that doesn't seem realistic at this point. Time will tell and I can wait for it.
Well, it is, THANK GOD, almost bedtime. I am going to finish up this post, wash my face and get into bed and read W&P. May a better day dawn tomorrow.