Friday, August 18, 2006

Neither Hair nor There

Wax Job
Originally uploaded by Bloomington Girl.
Yesterday, I dutifully went in for my every-four-week bikini wax. Yes, loyal readers, you are right to remind me that I used to perform this insane ritual myself and that I should continue to do so given that I purchased the professional waxing kit and still have five hundred wooden wax spreaders and as many muslin strips left. But, I implore you not to judge your Bloomingtongirl for taking the easy road of paying a complete stranger to pour hot wax on her genital region, rip the wax off and tear out her pubic hair by the roots. The last time I tried it at home, my husband took one look at the disasterous results and suggested that I have a professional do it. I had to agree with him.

In the spirit of complete disclosure, I must admit that I do not have the basic bikini wax. I have the "Extreme Parisian" version of the bikini wax. This version takes off more than the basic wax but less than the "Sultan" (absolutely every hair comes off), or the famous "Brazillian" (all but a "landing strip" in front comes off). I opt for the EP because I swim several times a week in the summer and I don't want to worry about having a pubic hair festival peeking out from my suit.

For the Extreme Parisian, part of the time, the waxee is on her back, naked from the waist down, hugging her knees to her chest while the waxer plies her trade. It is not a very dignified position but it is endurable because it is quick and there is no need for chit chat with the waxer. But, this time, there was a trainee in the room and for some reason, this made chit chat necessary. I found out that it is hard to be my witty self with my 43 year-old hoohah available for view at all times. It made me a wee bit self-conscious.

When I returned home from my wax, I decided to read the news. I had planned to read about the terrible state of affairs in this world, but I happened to see that the most e-mailed news item this week in the NY Times is one called "Throw Your Tweezers Away." Not wanting to ignore a cultural trend, I clicked at once on this important article. Good thing I did because I learned that bushy eyebrows were going to be in fashion this fall. I would not have known otherwise and might have continued to tweez my eyebrows only to be a laughingstock.

As I read the piece, I became anxious. I ran to the mirror in fear. Would my scrawny brows grow in fast enough to make the Fall fashion deadline?

To my relief, I learned from the article that women with over tweezed or just plain tweezed eyebrows need not worry. (Phew!) We unfortunates can have Eyebrow Extensions put on. For a mere $75 to $250 dollars, an eyebrow expert will " thicken brows by gluing a tiny fiber onto each existing hair." The effect lasts two weeks. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone who does this service in Bloomington. I shouldn't have been surprised since the article did specifically say that "On both coasts, everybody wants a thicker brow." Nothing was said about the heartland. I will just have to go to one of the coasts to get my eyebrow extensions. This will be expensive, but one has to do what one has to do.

Wait a minute...I just had a better eye-dea. Why not use my own hair for my extensions? After all, I have a healthy amount removed every four weeks, right? I could simply recover some of that hair and stick it on my eyebrows. The wax would make it sticky enough. It wouldn't be a perfect match, being a bit redder and curlier than my eyebrows, but I bet I could make it work.

Stay tuned for photos.


Perk said...

D.G. will enjoy this blog entry...the upcoming photos are of what?

BloomingtonGirl said...

My eyebrows, of course.

Valerie said...

Oh, Bloomington girl, you make me smile! Your entries are almost as good as reading the lastest and greatest words of wisdom from our dear prez, "Poor Ole Shrub". JB

BloomingtonGirl said...

Ah, JB, you flatter me. But I wouldn't feel sorry for the Ole Shrub. With all the terrorist threats he and his neo-con circle are cooking up to make this country feel afraid, I am sure that his party will remain in congress next election. Could the American public be any more stupid?? But I digress. I must go and "Bush" up my eyebrows...

DG said...


Anne said...

Joni! You are the best! I love the visuals in my mind! Giggle, Giggle! You are the funniest! :-) Every time I get a wax (which is not often enough due to extreve shyness) I will start laughing! I will pay you big buck if you apply your "waxings" to your brow "for fashion!" Ha, ha! thanks for the laughs!