Monday, October 15, 2007

BloomingtonGirl Gets Rid of Grout and Attempts to Accept her Gadangadang Butt

Let's deal with the first topic, shall we? The Master Bath Shower in our home has been a source of frustration for me since we moved in. In fact, I have whined about scrubbing the monstrously large shower right here in this very blog, now that I think of it. It wasn't so much the labor of scrubbing that got me down. We all know I like to clean. It was the lack luster result of all that scrubbing that got me depressed. No matter what technique I tried, or promise-laden product I used, I could NOT get rid of the black mildew stains in what I believed to be previously white grout around the edges of the floor of the shower. It just looked so bad, no matter how "clean" the shower seemed to be. To show for my many attempts to conquer this problem, I have a cupboard full of both environmentally safe cleaners (completely COMPLETELY useless on mildew or anything nearing mildew) and environmentally destructive cleaners (surprisingly almost as completely useless as their eco-safe cousins).

The other day, I hit a real low with this and the other topic of this posting, my Gadangadang butt. After cleaning the shower in vain one last time on Saturday, a particularly "fat" day, I actually sat down (on the pathetic is THAT?) and cried real tears over the stubborn mildew stains in the shower and the stubborn and growing fat stores on my hips, butt and thighs. I suppose I should be ashamed to admit that I cried over these trivial things when for most people in the world, life is full of REAL suffering and REAL problems. But, your BloomingtonGirl must be truthful even if the result of that brave truth telling shows her to be the shallow girl that she is. I'll say it again. I really did cry (albeit for a brief time) about the mildew in the shower and the weight I have gained.

Pitiful but true, Loyal Ones.

But, fret not. Your BloomingtonGirl is not one to stay down for the count for too long. I went to my Oracle and typed in the words "cleaning mildew grout" and found a treasure trove of advice on how to rid myself and my grout of this pesky problem. (Nothing on weight loss popped up, but I had planned to tackle that problem separately anyway.)

I chose one site called something like "Ask the Contractor" and decided to follow his advice to the letter. Suddenly, I had a new hope ! I couldn't wait to get up the following morning to try his method, which boiled down is basically this: you scrub every surface of your sorry shower with a good cleanser and a nylon, stiff bristled brush to get rid of all the superficial crud. Then, you apply paper towels soaked in straight bleach (sorry Mother Nature!) to the mildewy areas and let them sit for a few hours. Proper ventilation is key. Very, very KEY. As are GLOVES.

Now, the best thing to do while the bleach is doing its work is to leave the house and run errands or go shopping for new clothes that fit your newly curvy bod. (more on that later)

After you are with your travels around town, you may return home and peel off the now almost disintegrated paper towels from the previously black mildew stains.

VOILA !!!!

Like magic, the black is gone and all you see is beautiful WHITE grout! Choking back the Chlorine fumes, you then rinse and rinse and rinse the shower and rejoice in the results. I wish I took a before picture so you could see how dramatic the results actually are. You will have to be content with the after photo, which I proudly display above.

Deep inside, I do feel guilty about using harsh chemicals. I try to avoid them for most household jobs. But, I am not going to lie. This is one area where I must turn a blind eye to my environmental concerns. The white grout is a seducer, Loyal Ones. It has me in its clutches now and there is no turning back. Should the dreaded black mildew pop up again, the bleach is coming right back out of its bottle. And, that's the end of it.

Now, on to the next topic. The acceptance of my booty come lately Gadangadang Butt. My commentary here will be brief for two reasons. One, it is getting very late and I want to go to bed and read Middlemarch and two, how much can one say on this topic that hasn't been said a million times before?

So, I have gained some weight, even while being completely physically fit. I can swim 2000 meters fairly easily, I do a spinning class two times weekly, and I take two Pilates classes a week. (Yes, I brag a bit but I want to make sure that my Loyal Ones don't get the idea that their BloomingtonGirl has completely let herself go.) My blood work is exemplary, though this is surely due to heredity rather than good eating habits. I favor tortilla chips over broccoli if you must know and I will never give up butter, milk, cheese or SALT, which though non-caloric causes some serious water retention.

Anyway, the situation has reached a crisis point as the season changes from summer (forgiving A-Line skirts, get the picture) to fall (not at all forgiving jeans and pants and tailored and slimmer skirts with demanding waistlines). I find myself with little to wear that doesn't make me appear as a Blivet. (also known as ten pounds of sh#! in a five pound bag)

I am ambivalent about this extra weight. Part of me is made crazy by it, as Loyal Readers might expect, knowing that their BloomingtonGirl is pretty obsessed with her weight (and facial pore size). To be fair, there is another part of me that isn't much bothered by it and is not phased by my new, shall we say, lushness. (or perhaps more accurately my new Tush-ness?) But, no matter how I feel about my flabby-come-lately, there remains the issue of covering it appropriately.

So it comes down to this. To shop or not to shop? For to shop would accommodate this new real estate and it might stick around for good or get the godawful idea that it can expand further. Do I really want that? But to not shop would be to look awful and be uncomfortable much of the time while I starve myself, which frankly, I am not in the mood to do right now.

Stay tuned for BloomingtonGirl's decision on this pressing question.


Valerie said...

Another GREAT tip that I got from the internet regarding water stains on wood furniture. Or water rings from a-holes that don't use coasters:

Burn a piece of 8/5 x 11 white sheet of paper and collect the ashes. Mix with about 1/4 cup of real mayonnaise. Spread on the spots. Get a blow dryer and heat the area for about 5 minutes. Wipe away and like magic the water stains are gone. I've heard this can be done on ancient stains as well. Share the good word and thank God for Google.
p.s. With regard to Joni's weight obsession I think she should just go out and buy size 14's asap, be content with being chubby, and strive to grow into them. Also, if she keeps publicly fretting about going to a size 8 she will soon have zero friends over the age of 45. After all, what must you think of US if you feel that way about yourself?! FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

BloomingtonGirl said...

OOOHHH! I can't wait to try the mayonnaise trick! Thank you Valerie!!

Now, as far as what I must think of the population you call "US", how on earth do I have time to think of "US" if I am focused exclusively on my own ass? That's the gift of being as self-centered as I am. One doesn't have the time to form negative opinions, or any opinions of others.
Narcissistically yours,

anonymous cleaner and syrup meister said...

I've noticed that over my 40 some odd years that pretty much anything eco-friendly, natural or homeopathic will not clean, cure, cut or cleanse, IMHU. (notice the alliteration) You have to use the heavy hitters. I was going to suggest muriatic acid for the tiles and grout. You should see how that works on a rust stained toilet. Can you say I had the bosses wife fooled into thinking we bought a new dumper!! I will try the bleach though as it is a little less caustic on the lungs and sinuses and the mayo thing will get a try a try also. I wonder how WD-40 would work?? I will bite my proverbial tongue about your gadangadang butt :-)

Perk said...

No biting of tongues here; your gadangadang butt is just fine, I'm sure...I saw an old friend recently who in her mid-40's finally has a butt and she couldn't look better! Truly. Distinguished, middle aged gentlemen who are well-seasoned and have a discerning and keen appreciation of the finer things in life know how lovely the mature feminine form is. Enough said.